Tuesday, June 22, 2010


To any of you sweet, sweet, brave souls who may have ventured over from life in grace, God bless you. For you will need it. Had I of known, a measly comment would have been "posted" to Miz Edie's blog, I'd have used better grammar, and minded my comas a little more devoutly. And had I known she was sending over new life, I'd have made you party favors and brownies, but alas you've caught me in a bit of a funk.

That smells a bit desperate, and sounds a tad bit frustrated, and looks a bit like this

So my apologies, and my welcome. I think I used to be funnier, or life used to be funnier. And I'm pretty sure I air lifted that line right off someone's movie, or maybe it's a real quote? Who knows. All of that rambling to say welcome, come as you are. For I definitely come as I am. 

I think Shel says it best....

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer..
If you're a pretender,  come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden talkes to spin.
Come in!
Come in!

Please come back, after all I owe you a brownie.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Open Mic Night....

Tap, Tap, Static, Static, Is this thing On? Can you hear me?
Hey June, it's me your best girl. We've been bff since the 11th when you waxed wonderfully spring and welcomed me into the world. Remember? Huh, Huh, do you? Are you lost in January, has February taken you captive? Do I need to come rescue you, should I bring popsicles, lip gloss, and bare feet?

June, you and I, we used to have fun. You know the drill, party all month breeze in on the laurels of spring and splash out on the thrill of summer. But this, this June honey, you're giving me anxiety.

June, dear, pal, friend.........what's going on?

A disappointing date
A car in the shop
A house with broken, fickle air conditioning
A heat wave in the 90's toying with the 100's
A $766 and some chump change doctor's bill
A crazy, mad, mysterious twenty-ten back rash

And, And yes June, there's more I'm a rolling stone, without a home. I'm getting the boot.

You have left me pert near homeless, dateless, car less, rashy, hot and soon to be penniless. June, I think I'm mad at you.  June, I think this is grounds for a cat fight. Just so you know I'm pretty sure you're winning.

hello, hello, is this thing on?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

When to hold um, When to fold um

I'm going to piggy back on yesterday's "when you want something" post. The trouble with wanting is sometimes I don't know what I want. And sometimes I think that I know what I want, and then I get it and think I really should have gotten mint chocolate chip, not rocky road.

Inside out, that's how I wear my thoughts. For better or worse that's how I come. This whole year I said, "I just want to go on a date." I'd just be happy if I could go on a date.

Well I got my date and now I'd like to know how the whole refund deal works. All you married ladies, when you go to sleep tonight if you have nothing else to thank Him for, you thank him that you don't have to go on anymore dates.

You curl your hair, you put on lipstick, you maybe even lift weights and do sit ups. You tell yourself don't talk too fast and to make sure you put others first. Then you go on your date and what is it about sitting across from each other chewing food that turns us into such judges?

I've done it, dismissed a blind date because they had a double chin, ex-wife and a kid etc, etc. And I've been dismissed because I wasn't someone's type, etc. etc.

What exactly does that mean? Does it mean my lip gloss was all wrong, or my boobs are too small, or that I eat funny, or am I just plain dull?

The whole shenanigans feels an awful lot like poker, only at the end of the night you don't get to see their hand. They either ante up or fold. And that's just not how I play, I lay my cards on the table and at that point you can go on and ante up or fold.

I'd like nothing better than to chew the guy up I went on a date with, pick him a part, sweep up the pieces and put him in an envelope stamped return to sender. But I won't do that, I'm going to be just a little bigger than that.

I'll see your positives, sir and raise you a prayer that you find your "type." I'll believe that you have a better hand, than the cards you hold over dinner. And maybe I'll always be a little sorry that you didn't stay in the game long enough to see I could have been your friend.

And I'll learn my lesson, I'll pray what I really want. I want a man, who is handsome to me and who loves Jesus and I want to get married and have children. I don't just wanna go on a date. And if that makes me a 1950's idealistic biddy, so be it, go buy me a poodle skirt and if you love me throw in some pearls.

I slightly freaked about my blog when I got a "date". Thinking dear heavens, if they find this they will know I'm down right desperate. Maybe so, maybe I am, but I'm desperate for the right one, not a bunch of wrong ones.

And while I know full well I'll stay in this game of dating or courting or any other term you'd like to give it. I'm not quitting until I hit the jackpot, and I will believe that is possible because I've got an ace in the hole. And I'm pretty sure when the dealings done, He'll trump um all.

102. For Ephesians 3:20
Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.
103. For "I believe, help my unbelief"
104. For sometimes getting what you "want" to figure out what you really want.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

When you want something

To want, to want something so badly, so fiercely yet it's out of your control to make it happen. I've stared a want in the eyes the past few days. A want that surprises me with the power of its longing. It's got me thinking what it means to want. Like a women or a couple who want with every fiber of their being to have a child, but they can't. To want your mom, or your dad, or your husband, or your child, but you can't have them because they're no longer among the living. Or to want your mom or dad but they don't want you, because they left you. Wants so strong you almost crumble at the weight of them.

To want something, yet you can't have it. What do you do when that happens? Do we pity, pat around and say "there, there good child, here's a Bible verse now be content." Or, do we say,"Oh you don't really want that, just you wait and see it's not all it's cracked up to be. "

I am discontent by default, I suppose we all are. I've just started a Bible study on contentment. Isn't that how it goes, you seek growth and find yourself smack dab in the middle of your humanity.

What does it mean to be content? God taught Paul its truths. I recently memorized Philippians 4:11-13, "I am not saying this because I am in need because I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether hungry or well fed whether living in plenty or in want, I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I haven't memorized scripture in umpteen years, yet that one was much needed.

So here I am praying Lord, teach me to be content, memorizing verses and actually attending a Bible study yet I find myself baring the weight of wanting. A friend shed such light for me on the word content. She said it's a word so easily tossed about often to just shut us up, to tell us to be happy. Yet, it doesn't mean you are going to be happy, or completely satisfied, or without want it means you're going to bear your burden with the strength that only comes from God.

With a want so strong, so completely out of your control, I guess that's all you can do, wait. And continually shift the weight of your want over onto the strength that is Christ. And that's hard as hell, and that fact alone, is why we need Christ.

94. for psalm 27:13 & 14
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living, be of good courage wait on the Lord and he will strengthen your heart, wait I say on the Lord. 
95. for a God who can handle my honesty
96. for the way my new shampoo smells
97. for days to lie on the coach thinking under the whir of the ceiling fan
98. for a God who hears
99. for a God who sees
100. for feeling pretty
101. for good outfits

Sunday, June 6, 2010

5,000 Pieces

Puzzle pieces would fall from the sky on the old fat gray game boy and I'd energetically arrange them into straight lines. The higher my rows of puzzle pieces in their rightful order grew, the faster the pieces fell, until eventually they took over and engulfed the screen, game over.

Lately it seems my life is a game of Tetris, puzzle pieces falling, only I can't get them in order. While I know better days must be on the horizon, and while I know there are so many, many things to give thanks for I find myself under the blaze of the puzzle pieces wanting to throw up my hands and to yell," go on, bury me. "

Homeless, that's about to be me. No more girl who lives in barn. As of last Saturday I must relocate by July 1st. I have commitment phobia, so I live in a barn apartment with no lease, because it doesn't sound as scary as legally binding, please sign here. So now I'm on the flip side of no lease. My apartment is needed for family members of my landlord who are in crisis. That's my square peg.

My round hole is my car who may or may not be trying to murder me, more likely may. As he has now  attempted to "play dead" twice while I was going round about 60. He actually went one better than attempted, he straight up died and then came back to life and then died? Towed away to Mr. Mechanic who is probably at home eating steak sleeping pretty on 1,000 thread count sheets, because of the percentage of my pocket book he's had access to in the past two months.

Here I am working a puzzle I really don't want to be working, in my month. Seriously it's June my month of life, it's supposed to be June, party all month not June, the sky is falling.

Would love to tell you that I've been the poster child for Gratefulness, but it ain't so. I've been woefully singing Tom Dooley, internally judging folks, throwing pity parties and threatening to go eat worms.

The sacrifice of praise will forever be etched in my memory with my mom's retelling of witnessing a widow with five children raising her hands in praise, worshipping at the funeral of her husband. While I mope, while I wait on the completion of the puzzle, while I fail, while I get up, while I try again, I rest knowing praise is there waiting for me, to remind me that  life is good amidst uncertainty and so is Christ, who sees the completed puzzle.

Plucking away at 1,000 thanks from under my little black rain cloud.
Giving thanks
74. For friends who feed you cheetos and help you make birthday party invitations
75. For creativity
76. For pretty paper
77. For a best friend
78. For june day picnics
79. For dollar flowers
80. For strawberry bread
81. For an upcoming week off
82. For my prayer journal
83. For my job
84. For my health
85. For my mom
86. For my little barn apartment
87. For sunshine
88. For rainy days
89. For pretty clothes
90. For party plans
91. For wisdom from friends
92. For days to be quiet
93. For days to be sad