It was late and I drove home. Roads I know, miles crossed again and again. Only the road I traveled led to a new familiar, to a knew home. I ached for it, the left hand turn, west on 16 the turns that would take me back. Back to my barn, back to my old home. I wanted my drive way, my light switch, my door way, every wall, every angle that I knew so well. Only it was gone, never again to be home to me. The well of want broke my heart and tears spilled down my cheeks. I drove on to my new home. To my home that smells, that is old and is mostly unwanted. I dreaded the last turn, the turn into my drive way. How often in the last few days I inched up it's long gravel wishing for all I was worth that it didn't have to be, that I didn't have to go up and live in that house. That I didn't have to climb it's stairs, turn it's key, be it's tenant. Yet in that moment in that dark hour, I knew it had to be. For when you can't go back, you have to go up.
Words penned last summer, never posted feeling too raw. The summer I lost my barn apartment. The summer of anger, grace and redemption. Funny how hurts and pains sometimes melt like Christmas snow. My summer's hurt last night remembered, how miniscule it rallied against the knowledge of precious Edie's ashes. Unfathomable and incomprehensible these hurts of life married up against the blessed good. Edie, I wanted nothing more than to jump in my car and drive to east Tennessee and bring you a lamp and a copy of the Lutheran Prayer book, hug you good, share in tears and maybe throw a fit and few hefty, why's? Yet tangible presence pales in comparison to His ever presence. When we can't go back and when we can't even go up, He remains. My words are small, my understanding smaller, praying our God who's not will be an ever present help in this time of trouble, sweet woman.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.